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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 3, 2012 7:00pm-7:30pm PST

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sometime. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much! (cheers and applause) folks, i hope you had a great thanksgiving. i did. first of all a caught up on homeland. you guys see that show on
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the showtime channel. i love that chaenl. now if you haven't seen it, it's the twisting tale of an iraq war vet who may or may not be a terrorist op rattive, or a double agent whose's been brainwashed by al qaeda who matches wits with a by polar cia op rattive who is convinced that he's part of an attack against america and is an on-again, off-again affair with him. >> here what i can't figure out. when do they charge their cell phones? they're always on them. always! and they're always full, never plugged into anything. not even in the car. it's always like full bars. dc, beirut, baghdad, great reception. makes the whole thing kind of unbelievable. (laughter) anyway, hi a great thanksgiving. i celebrated the traditional manner with my family or as the indians call them maze. but folks we all know
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thanksgiving is just a preamble to the holiest day the year, black friday. when americans-- when americans come together to bow before their lord the wal-mart rollback guy. because jesus isn't the only one who is saved. and black friday, because black friday las biblical roots. that's when the three wise men got that killer buy gold and frankincense get one myrrh free, deal. and folks this year was a great one for retailers. >> sales broke records both on-line and in stores. a total of $247 million people shopped. that's a 9% increase over last year's numbers. each shopper spent on average $425-- $423, total spending over the four day weekend hit a record $59.1 billion.
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>> stephen: $59.1 billion. folks, i'm sure that's good for the economy. but frankly i'm worried that black friday is being ruined by commercialism. (laughter) nowadays it's all about how much you're going buy. what deal you're going to get. whatever happened to trampling people for the love of the game? or just-- (cheers and applause) or just experiencing the pure child-like joy of throat punching an old lady over that last $20 dirt devil. well, you know i guess i'm old-fashioned. now folks, justice may be blind but i'm not. i'm pretty sure she's wearing spanx under that robe. this is judge, jury and executioner. tonight, folks, copyright
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law. the supreme court is currently considering the case of supap kirtsaeng the wile ya song, it a textbook copyright case in that it is a copyright case about textbooks. jim. >> mr. kirtsaeng in 1997 moved from his native thailand to attend cornell university. textbooks are sold in thailand for just a fraction of the cost. so he gets his family and friends to buy those textbooks in thailand and guess what, ship them to him in cornell university. he sells them on ebay and makes, get this, $1.2 million in profits. >> what? >> stephen: 1.2 million dollars, it that textbook price, that has to be like eight books. but academic publisher wiley and son sued sit kaening-- kirtsaeng saying they own the copyright of that resold material despite
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a 1908 court decision which established the first sale doctrine which says that after a buyer first purchases a copyrighted work he or she has the right to resell it. i'm sorry, i don't buy this first sale argument. and if i did buy it i would not resell it. (laughter) because i don't have the right. yeah. damn straight. and i don't even know what never's clapping for. (laughter) but god help us, if the u.s. supreme court does overturn the right of first sale. >> you are hearing a case that if they rule one way would say to us, we the people, hey, you can't sell your own stuff. >> it would almost make ebay illegal. >> stephen: ebay illegal? that could destabilize the global market in welcome back kotter board games. but don't worry.
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even if the supreme court sides with wiley and sons t wouldn't mean you can't sell anything. the court has ruled that the right of first sale applies to any product manufactured in the united states. so you are free to resell anything still made in america like your truck or your meth. and you would be able to resell anything made overseas as long as you have the permission of the original copyright holder. for instance, i am having a garage sale this weekend. some of the stuff was made overseas, so i am simply calling all the copyright holders to work out a profit sharing arrangement. here we go. okay.
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>> -- . >> stephen: elvis costello, it's stephen colbert. >> stephen, how are you? >> stephen: well, i'm okay, elvis. but i've got a problem. >> oh, gracious, how i can help? >> stephen: well, elvis, i'm having a garage sale tomorrow. >> a garage-- oh, a garage sale, oh, dow need any help setting up tables. can i be the cashier, i do love counting money. >> stephen: no, i'm sorry, elvis, sting is going to be the cashier. no, i'm just calling because i want to ask your permission to resell my old copy of my aim is true. >> well, obviously, we're friends but i have got to get my back wet on this. what kind of money are we talking about? >> stephen: i'm going to put it in the dollar bin. >> i'm honored. was's my take. >> stephen: i'm offering you 12 cents. >> stephen, that is my debut album. it's-- to the deadening of romantic dream its and an irreplacable moment in my
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youth. i want 15 cents. >> stephen: i'll give you 14. >> 14 and throw something in from the garage sale. >> stephen: like what? >> a used bun dt pan. >> stephen: a used bun dt pan? i'm sorry, elvis, the best i can do is a dented miff intin. >> sold! you fell for my trap. i already have a bun dt pan. >> stephen: you son of a bitch. >> have fun with sting. >> stephen: well-- hello? (cheers and applause) welling that's done. of course now i just to find marconi's number so i can sell my clock radio. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. thank you so much. please, it's greetings like that that make me want to punch a baby in the face. that is actually a nicer story than it sounds. folks, if you are paying attention to the calendar you know christmas is right around the corner. you can tell because my house is already decorated for easter. pro tip, hide chickens now
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and come spring you'll have hidden eggs. now folks, if you watch fox news you know that there is a war on christmas. but on "the colbert report" we fight back. this is the blitzkrieg on grinchitude. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now lady its and gentlemen, every christmas has its share of yule logjammers but this year it comes from an unexpected source. pope benedict. who would have thought this guy was a grinch. in his new book jesus of flaz rhett the the pope challenges the traditional story of christmas.
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for instance, he writes that the 6th century monk who established the year of jesus's birth made a mistake in his calculations by several years. the actual date of jesus's birth was several years before. big deal. come on! jesus is a celebrity. of course he shaves a few years off. (laughter) anyway, that just means he was almost 40 and he still has those abs. that is amir ago el. now the pope-- (applause) >> the pope also wrote that angel spoke the words proclaiming jesus's birth instead of singing them. so apparently according to the pope, the birth of our lord didn't sound like this-- ♪ hallelujah ♪ ♪. >> stephen: it sounded like this. >> how you doin?
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>> stephen: doesn't feel the same. (applause) now as a lifelong catholic i have stood by the church during its various trials and public triblations. 9 debate over birth control, the role of women in the church. and a third controversy i've taken drugs to forget. but frankly i got native teed off when the pope wrote that although it's clear jesus was born in a manager, there is no mention of animals in the gospel. no animals in the manager? who died and made you pope? oh, another pope, okay, well that's-- that's convenient. well, apparently the pope has not read the gospel of the little drummer boy. where it is written, quote, mary nodded pa rum pum pum pum, the ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum.
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the ox and the lamb are the rhythm section. if the ox and the lamb aren't there, who's keeping time, mary? she's busy nodding. it doesn't make any sense. what else wasn't in the manager, no red nosed reindeer, no mer-- mary kissing santa claus, no frosty the snowman sing catch me if you can. hey, your holiness, you know what else is never mentioned in the bible? the pope. (cheers and applause) let me double-check here, pope, pope, pope, pope, pope, nope. but you know what, you know what, you know what, just because it's not in here, i still believe that there is a pope. and even if you were trying to buzz stomp my yuletide barn yard, i will still leave out milk and cookies
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for you. merry christmas. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is abc's senior white house correspondent and the author of the outpost, an untold story of american valor. so how did he hear about it? please welcome jake tapper. (cheers and applause)
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jake, good to see you again, thanks for coming back. all right, jake, we're going get to the book in just a second here but first, you're a newsman, you're like the premier white house correspondent of network tv. right now. >> okay. >> stephen: white house, people think tapper. what other stories, now that the election is over, where has the news moved to right now because i did about two minutes on the fact that they are not charging their cell phones on homeland tonight. >> that was a good point, good point. >> stephen: well, thank you. the peabody people are watching i'm ready to submit. what's everybody talking about? >> the fiscal cliff. >> stephen: fiscal cliff, yeah. >> trillions of dollars of spending cuts and tax increases that are going to happen when the ball drops on new year's eve unless president obama and congress come to some sort of compromise. >> stephen: all right so, we're all doomed.
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>> it's like the movie thaw you have to either cut off your arm or die. so they will come-- they will cut off their arm. >> stephen: do you know, do you know what kind of ratings the news could get if they could get politicians to cut off their arms on camera? okay. -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: as i said senior white house correspondent for abc news. the only news anybody watches any more. >> i think that's true. >> stephen: and you have got eye new book here called the outpost, an untold story of american valor. this is about the war in afghanistan. >> it's about one combat outpost in afghanistan, 14 miles from the pakistan border, built at the bottom of three very steep mountains, built in 2006. and overrun in 2009 by the taliban. >> stephen: let's put a picture of this space right here. >> that's it. >> stephen: the space is at the bottom not up here where this guy is standing safely. >> that's right. >> stephen: okay. you know where would be a
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good place to attack that base from. >> right there. >> stephen: everywhere. okay, we'll get to why it is that way in just a moment. >> okay. >> stephen: what were these guys doing in this valley? what was their purpose to be at command operating post. >> combat outpost keating. they originally were put there to stop the flow of weapons from pakistan into afghanistan, to try to win over the locals. but despite some successes in the three and a half years of the camp, by the end it its only purpose really was its own self-defense. one lieutenant colonel who was trying valiantly to close it down described it as a self-licking ice cream cone. its only purpose was to exist unto itself. >> stephen: so it was there to defend itself that it was there. >> yeah, and ultimately after the attack and eight u.s. troops were killed in this attack they faced, it was 53 u.s. troops in that camp face being 400 taliban
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surrounding them. they fought valiantly, the americans and it was a bloody day but ultimately they beat them back. ultimately the army investigated and said there was no strategic purpose for this camp. >> stephen: now why was it at the bottom of the valley? >> because well, there are a lot of reasons. but two of the biggest ones are ones so they could bond with the local pop las because the district center was down the road and two because they needed to resupplyment and at 2 o 006, during 2006 most of the helicopters were in iraq. and so in order to set up a camp there it needed to be by a road so they could resupply the camp. and they couldn't do it by helicopter because the war at that point was under manned and didn't have enough assets. america has paid attention to afghanistan and then forgotten the war and then paid attention to afghanistan and then forgotten the war again. what made you remember the war as a journalist? what inspired you to go over there. >> two things.
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one is i was in the hospital room with my newly son born jack on october 3rd. and in news report came out of the corner of my eye saying that this camp had been overrun, a camp i had never heard of. but the coverage was all why would anybody put a camp there, it doesn't make any sense and i wanted to find out that mystery it didn't make any sense. and no one ever explained it so i started researching and asking and find out what is it like to be at that place with all the taliban fighters. and it eventually became a book. and the other reason is i had been covering the war from the comfort of the north lawn of the white house. and i didn't know as much as i needed to know about the war. and we were batting around troop numbers when they were talking about the surge, 10,000, 40,000, suddenly when are you talking about 8 dead americans, 8 sons that i was learning about had been taken from the as i was holding my new son t became a lot more real.
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the number 8 than 40,000. and so it was for that reason that i started researching the book. >> stephen: now in this latest political campaign that we all just went threw and thank god it's over. >> i agree. >> stephen: at this point-- at this point-- (applause) at this point i don't even remember who won. there was not a lot of talk about afghanistan. >> no. >> stephen: besides the fact that romney didn't even mention it in in his convention speech. both men in the debate said we're going to be out of there by 2014. >> not completely accurate by the way. >> stephen: oh, really. how fast would you get out? >> i was happy to leave. but we're going to withdraw the combat troops by 2014. but we're going to have special forces troops there for a long time and just judging by what i saw in terms of-- . >> stephen: aren't special forces combat troops? >> one would think but not technically.
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technically-- sses technically they're going to be teaching arts and crafts? what are they going to be be doing, macrame. >> they'll be doing counterterrorist missions so it will be different, not combat but counterterrorism. they will go after the strongholds of insurgents that could pose a threat theoretically teert afghan government or the u.s.. >> stephen: i don't know if those guys are watching homeland but if you are's going after terrorist you need a well charged cell phone. well, jake, thank you so much for joining me. (cheers and applause) the book is the outpost, the man is jake tapper, thank you, jake. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good


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